Sonia’s sleep problems seem to be getting worse over the course of the last few months. We’ve moved her from the crib to her own bedroom. She cries constantly before going to bed, and wakes up crying several times throughout the night. We are unable to soothe her cries, no matter what we’ve both tried (talking, singing, playing her favorite music, etc.)
Both Aarti and I are now at our wit’s end. We have Sonia in a separate room, and based on our pediatrician’s advice, either Aarti or myself will sleep on the floor next to her bed (because Sonia’s insecure). I’m fine with that part, but it’s Sonia’s unrelenting crying that we both can’t seem to figure out.
We’re in the thicket of terrible two’s, but I’m not sure if Sonia’s behavior is normal. We’ve established a nighttime routine, but so far that has not seemed to have any affect on her. Sonia’s very fussy during her mealtimes. (aside: She’s also very picky about her clothes, at only 2.5 years old!)
She only picks at her food, demands something else, and picks at that as well. She doesn’t eat proper meals – despite our best attempts to feed her. It’s gotten so bad for us because our sleep schedule is routinely interrupted every night. It’s really hard to remain patient, but we are doing our best.
Help!
-Krishna
That is tough stuff to deal with. I think part of it may just be her age, if so she’ll grow out of it. It does seem to be going on longer than normal though. I just wonder if there is not a medical issue going beyond her insecurities. Good luck with. I really hope you figure it out soon and get some sleep.
Is your pediatrician’s advice what they tell everyone, or is it based on how well they know Sonia? Just wondering since many docs have pat responses for things that have worked for most of their patients but we are all unique. There is no way one response will work for everyone.
I am wondering a bit about the crying – did it happen when she slept in the crib? Where was the crib located? Does she cry when she knows she is going to bed or is it unrelated? Does she ever fall asleep before ‘bedtime’ and is there any crying then? If not, what is the common thread for those other times?
The waking & crying sounds like fear of being alone. If that is the case, I would do my best to alleviate the fears. I would seriously consider cosleeping (ie family bed) or having her sleep on the floor near you (she’ll be more comfortable like that than either of you
). There’s some good info & advice from Dr. Sears at http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp. I love the guy – he gives sage advice that is focussed on children & families rather than social appearances or doctor’s convenience. He gave the #1 bit of wisdom that I’ve always kept in mind as a parent: a need fulfilled is no longer a need.
As for the food – that seems to depend on the kid. Mine would eat so well & healthy when they were toddlers but now both are picky. We’ve got the vegetarian who won’t eat vegetables and the other vegetarian who refuses to eat all beans & dal. We find that healthy nibble trays (a variety of different foods) work well. Dr. Sears has some good info on that too: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/t030800.asp
btw – ‘insecurity’ at that age is pretty normal. DS7 was a somewhat clingy toddler and pretty shy. We just assumed that he would change when he was ready, and he did. The kid will start blabbing to any and everyone now and is extremely confident in his own abilities. I kinda miss the quiet kid sometimes
Sounds like night terrors, e.g., http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/sleep/a/night_terrors.htm . Unfortunately, you may just have to wait …
Krishna, this behavior is normal for a 2 year old. This is the age they start getting anxious without their parents around
there are couple of differrent techniques described in various books. Some of them are very impractical, like dont-leave-your-kid-alone-or-you will-scar-her-for-life (Dr Sears), or like cry-it-out which is very inhumane. Please take advise from books with a grain of salt. We tried cosleeping as per Dr Sears and I almost had a stroke due to lack of sleep (really.. I had gone to Canada to meet a client and I was hallucinating during the meetings), and we are not even going to try cry-it-out
What worked for us was one of the techniques in “Happiest toddler on the block”. Basically, you need make your kid understand that you are not going to be in the room, but you are there for her when she needs you. Please do try that book out
Jay – there’s nothing impractical about fulfilling a child’s needs. Some children don’t like being alone, others deal with it fine. Parents would (I hope) know which is best for their child. The wisest approach is to learn as much as possible and use what makes sense and appeals to your intuition – not what you think you should be doing.
We co-sleep and have with all our kids. We expect lack of sleep and yes, it was rough in the beginning, but we got used to it. But depending on the parent, it may or may not work. Gotta keep yourself sane to be a good parent, right?
If anything, it seems very likely that Krishna has already tried the approach you suggest. Plus, that kind of understanding may not work with most toddlers. Many would a parent to just be there in person, rather than in an abstract fashion.
missing word in the last line above: Many would *need* …
You know my daughter and son had the same issue about that time. I think that is the age where the whole ‘negative emotion processing’ is starting to kick in. So, you’ll get fear, anger, anxiety, et al. The only thing that you can really do is just hold to them and let them cry it out. I don’t remember doing anything that actually helped but I remember just holding them and they stopped just as quick on their own as when I tried to distract/entertain them. The key is to just be patient and know it’ll pass in a little while. Also, if you can trade nights ‘on duty’ that might help you two get some sleep.
…terrible twos huh…Man! Two was a breeze…Three…Now that was a real nightmare for us!
Thanks, everyone, for your suggestions. One thing Sonia also does is scratch, hit and kick at us – usually after she’s behaving fine, without warning. Very puzzling behavior. Is this normal?
Hi Krishna,
I have three year old twins girls who share a room. I think what Sonia is doing is fairly normal.
When bedtime started to become really problematic, I tried several things. A) I cut out one of the girls naps (they were napping 2x a day for about 1.5 hours- this got cut to one and now it is none.)
B) At one point both bedtime and naps were stressful, I became really no-nonsense about nap times. It was easier to deal with yelling in the middle of the day than at night. If they wouldn’t go to sleep at nap they lost their blanket or their ‘buddy’ and I would let them yell it out (and they did yell!!! and it sucked b/c you feel so bad b/c they are upset- but I held firm!) It took about 4 days of battle, but then the nap became easy to do. Now if I say they need to nap, there is generally no push back. Honestly I felt like the super nanny. Then for bedtime, we got a routine established- bath, teeth, book/stories with dad, then bed.
Once we put them in toddler beds, well then- they were mobile and they refused to stay in bed and go to sleep. To get around that I tried the same trick- removing blankets etc., but that didn’t work. What did work was a star chart. During the day (away from the thick of the battle) I put a chart with their names and the numbers 1-7. I explained to them that if they went to bed the correct way, then they would get a star, and at the end of 7 stars they would get a prize. If they didn’t go to bed, they would not get a star and if they were belligerent, they would lose something from their bed or lose TV the next day. This has worked. They now have to get 10 stars instead of 7. Prizes can be a milkshake or a toy under $5 or a book (they like books!)
My girls will sometime hit/kick unexpectedly. I generally try to downplay it unless there is an injury. They always have to apologize. I find it tends to come from something that is stressing them- that I was unaware of- like nervousness about a play date. If it is really obnoxious or if they injure me or each other, I plunk them into time out and set the microwave timer for 2 minutes. And I make them watch it count down. This took some practice (and a lot of yelling- so this also can suck) and it is sometimes really difficult to keep from escalating. If they won’t stay in time out, they get put in their room with the door shut and the lights dimmed and told they came come out when they are calm. On occasion they escape and I would then have to put them back into their room. In the end, we always talk about what happened and why it was bad and I try hard to give them a chance to tell me, in a calm way, what is really going on.
Does she have a ‘buddy’ to sleep with? Like a small stuffed animal (I am assuming she isn’t allergic). My girls seem to like Tigger and a rabbit. My girls seem to like to talk to them when they are going to sleep.
Anyway- since is the first time i have ever posted here, I hope this was helpful to you. I read both of your comics. I really relate to Uncubed. I am a teacher so I also really like how you show how you practice your drawing and how you come up with ideas.
Katie
Oh – one more bit- Food
One daughter will eat anything and she really loves fruits and veggies. The other one likes only noodles. I now feed her the protein noodles made from chickpea/whole wheat flour. We are now negotiating food. I require her to try everything at least once at every meal. I also told her there would be no more noodles if she didn’t start to eat yogurt. We made a special trip to the market and I let her pick out a flavor, which we now refer to as ‘slimy lime-y’, which she eats happily. I have now moved on to veggies. If she wants noddles, she needs to eat at least one veggie/fruit. She balked initially, but she will now happily eat raw broccoli and avocado and apples most days. And I didn’t make it a fight. I just told her to eat a bite and left it on her plate. I cut back a bit on her milk so she would be hungrier for real food, rather than just milk.
Also since she will eat yogurt- I make fruit smoothies and I hide all kinds of stuff in it- like carrots and strawberries (I have a good blender!)
I think what really helped her to open up to new food was understanding that if she ate better, pooping would be easier. Both girls are potty training so poop is a big topic.
Another bit- anytime either of my girls is sick- the entire sleep regiment is disrupted for a week – so that is something to keep in mind once you make a plan with how to proceed.
Katie
I wouldn’t take a reward-oriented route for anything with children, unless you’re keen on them becoming praise junkies. The RSA video ‘Drive’ that Sherm Cohen tweeted recently addressed this, and a very good read about it is ‘Punished by Rewards’ (synopsis at http://life.familyeducation.com/punishment/parenting/29460.html) Rewards will condition them away from intrinsic to extrinsic motivation. You switched careers guided by your intrinsic motivation – which would you prefer for Sonia?
And really – using rewards to condition children is treating them like dogs.
About the hitting/biting/scratching: Does she seem angry when she does it? Or more like seeing what the reaction is? Is it you & the mrs or anybody? My gut is that it is related to her feelings about the sleep situation.
Krishna,
Is she like bam-bam from the Flintstones cartoons?
Some kids have sensory “issues”. Some kids feel uncomfortable unless they get some sensory input. Usually, this becomes pronounced when they are playful. So, you will have them playing around joyfully, and bam! they will hit you out of the blue.
My kid has this, and by now, I can sense when he is looking for sensation. I got into little bit of rough play, which makes him very happy. You can try giving full body hugs, or even swinging her around and see if that makes her feel better. Try squeezing each part of her body. It’s a good opportunity to get her acquainted with what the various body parts are called.
Besides that there’s nothing wrong with kids doing a little rough play, as long as they aren’t doing to hurt you. Get her something she can bang around, like drum sticks or macacas. Some kids just like a little bam-bam.
The hitting seems to be in anger, and it happens sometimes even during the day. We’ve determined that this may be because she’s hungry (of course, being a picky eater has something to do with that). Last night was a little better. She went to bed at 8PM and woke up at 4AM. Fussed for a half an hour, then went back to bed until 8AM.
If she is hitting in anger, she might be trying to test her boundaries. It is normal for a 2 year old to start trying to see what they can get away with. It might be time to start gentle discipline techniques like timeouts. When she gets angry, tell her that you are taking her to her room because she is angry, and she can come out of her room when she is calm. It is not a punishment. You are just going to give her space so she can calm down. Keep her in the room. She will try to engage you by getting more angry (and as she gets older, she might try to argue). Don’t respond to her, don;t talk to her, just wait for her to calm down
One thing I like to add. Temper tantrums and sleep problems are probably the most frustrating problems in a new parent’s life. It’s very easy for a tired, sleep-deprived, frustrated parents to lose their cool. It happens to the best of us. Please do keep a check in your temper in control. Make sure you have someone else to take over when one parent is loosing his/her cool. It’s better to put her in timeout, or to walk away after putting her in a safe place than to do something that you will regret later
Ooh Ooh.. regarding food.Allow me to acquaint you to the wonderful world of Parathas. You can make parathas with just about any vegetable. Just shred/dice finely and add it to the dough. The kid will eat it up. That’s how my mom did it. That’s how I do it
I would suggest getting in touch with your local Early Intervention program. They can do an evaluation of her and see if there are any medical/developmental reasons behind her behavior. It seems you’ve tried most everything for run of the mill terrible two behavior and she may have something above and beyond that. The pickiness about clothes and food sounds to me like she may have sensory processing/sesory integration issues.
Here’s a link for some signs of SPD: http://www.spdfoundation.net/redflags.html
Her sleep issues may be a combination of some sensory issues and regular two year old separation anxiety. She’s had a bit of confusion lately, with heading to India and being separated from you, so it would be totally natural for her to be anxious and then the sensory issues are keeping her from being able to soothe herself once she gets anxious.
I would agree with Jay; this is normal toddler behavior.
Separation anxiety is common at this age. Toddlers also start wanting to take control over their world and make decisions, albeit very primitive ones (They love the word No because it allows them control).
One possible cause of her fussy behavior may be that she’s getting ready to go through a growth spurt.
Being picky over food is common at this age. Some toddlers will focus on a few favorite foods to the exclusion of all else for a time. For me, it was macaroni and cheese.
Don’t worry too much about food. When she’s hungry, she’ll eat.
Good luck!
My heart goes out to you sir.
Hi, my daughter is almost the same age as yours and I have followed your cartoon with over the last couple of years. My daughter also had sleep problem. She was also a prematurely born baby. What we have been doing from the beginning of this year is to put her in her room.
Best of luck.
One of us puts her to sleep. About 3/4 th of all nights she wakes up once a cries.
Then we go to her room and comfort her. Sometime when she is still unhappy we bring her to
our bed to co-sleep. In the beginning she used to do this almost everybody but slowly
she has started sleeping most of the night in her own room. Do you have a dim light in her room all night ? That helped a lot in our case because our daughter used to wake up and be scared of the dark. Also is she playing enough ? As both myself and my wife works my daughter goes to playschool and there she plays so much with her friends that at the end of the day she is very tired and also very happy. Then she sleeps very well too. I think one of the things she needs is playing with her own age group. From my little experience I think your daughter is perfectly normal. Do not pay undue attention to books and experts who knows very little anyway. Take them just as suggestion and use your common sense
We had a similar problem. It will get better. With our eldest child (now aged 3), we discovered that cutting milk from his diet and switching to soya helped greatly (Many babies and young children have a lactose intolerance – it doesn’t last forever; just another phase). A regular routine is also very good, with plenty of activity in the morning and a “quiet time” before bed. A child of 2 shouldn’t have more than about an hour’s sleep during the day either. Both our boys sleep much better now since we made these changes. Hope this helps. As I say, it doesn’t last forever – you will get through it.
Hey guys,
Wow, these comments are really helpful, thank you so much for this show of support – we really appreciate it.
After trying many different things and being sick, tired, and cranky during the day, I have finally given into my 2.5 year old and we both sleep in the guest room on the lovely queen sized bed, while Krishna sleeps in our bed. It has been wonderful, we are all rested and happy.
I really just started to question why I am trying to enforce the idea of her sleeping alone. Having made the effort for 4 months, I decided that she will grow out of wanting to sleep with mom, and until then, I want to sleep:)
So thats where things stand now….
thanks again for the show of support !
Yay.. glad things work out for you. The important thing is to do what works for you